


sozinho

by wingsaloof



Series: você não me ensinou a te esquecer [2]
Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Pre-Canon, Songfic, Stand Alone, The Author Regrets Everything, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:42:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24245215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingsaloof/pseuds/wingsaloof
Summary: On being 18, 19, 21, and in love.
Relationships: Kamikizaka Reni/Tachibana Yukio
Series: você não me ensinou a te esquecer [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748425
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	sozinho

**Author's Note:**

> (stares at reniyukio) why is it always you two making me write stuff absurdly fast as if i am possessed. its the year of 2020 and i am writing songfic. i hate this and i am very self-conscious about this work so i sincerely apologize.
> 
> well. based on [a beautiful song that for some reason makes me cry everytime i listen to it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9UbE1slI-Q), give it a try. the super liberal translation in the fic is by yours truly; if you want something more faithful try [this link](https://lyricstranslate.com/en/sozinho-lonely.html).  
> oh, and "sozinho" means "alone" in portuguese.
> 
> besides the usual SPOILER warning, CW FOR EXCESSIVE ALCOHOL USAGE - they're 19 in the scene, so it might count as underage drinking by japanese standards. if you'd like to skip it, it's between "(, but some attention once in a while wouldn’t hurt.)" and "(I have my secrets, my plans — and I won’t open up to anyone but you.)". the gist of it is reni longing for yukio like the rest of the fic, so you won't be losing much.

(Sometimes, in the dead of the night, I think of the both of us. I dream with my eyes wide open, tying a "before" to a "now" and an "after".)

* * *

The first nights after he is kicked out by his family are weird, in a good way. Reni can’t quite pin down when did he get used to the unusual lull of someone else’s snoring, but he doesn’t want to grow tired of it. He looks at Yukio’s sleeping face and remembers countless afternoons in empty classrooms; the impressive gates of the Ikaruga mansion; his crumpled copy of Hakkaku’s script; Kasumi and Yuzo running around minutes before the curtain call. The man lying down by his side has almost nothing in common with the shining star on stage that day, except for the warmth he manages to spread through Reni’s chest. 

He turns and tosses around, and almost allows himself to imagine a future by Yukio’s side. Even in his wildest dreams, he couldn’t predict they’d be living together, building a company. Their legacy. Months ago, graduation seemed like the final page of their relationship, but now, Reni is 18 and he’s got all of his life ahead of him.

He can be himself, he can give in to his wishes.

He has Yukio by his side. They’re together, and as long as they have each other, things should work somehow. That thought is part of Reni’s most juvenile side (he’s working on accepting that part of him) where their companionship doesn’t stop at being roommates and cooking for each other.

As expected from his carefree demeanor, he’s unable to settle down with anyone, or so he says. Not interested in dating, he’s in love with theater, everything along these lines. The actors laugh when he comes up with that, but Reni doesn’t buy it.

He doesn’t want to, and spends the night getting lost in his own version of their story.

* * *

(Why do you leave me all by myself? Why don’t you stay by my side?)

* * *

It doesn’t take long for the bubble to burst, economic state jokes aside. Putting a company together is exhausting, and they’re kids with nothing but passion to keep them going. No sponsors, no connections, no household names, just a ton of bricks and bills piling up in the mailbox. Reni’s money had dried up days after the two-month mark, and their first play still was weeks away (let alone the fact that their ticket sales weren’t as exciting as expected).

The happiness that comes from that work is what makes it worthy, so he keeps pushing himself and the actors to their limits day after day. Yukio oversees them, and it seems that the stress is getting to them — they’ve always agreed to disagree, but lately that hasn’t been holding up quite well. Reni has his ambitions and standards, while Yukio places value on things he is quick to disregard; the outbursts grow more frequent as the opening night draws closer.

In the final hours, Reni finds himself alone. Syu told him to rest for the night, that staying over for last hour touch-ups wasn’t worth it. They still have the whole run to fix details and whatnot, so he shouldn’t worry. Rather, his current priority should be focusing on staying in top shape for the next day.

Yukio didn’t follow him on his way home.

Reni goes through his nightly preparations — does his skin and hair routines, pours some tea for himself, checks if the front door is properly locked. Yukio hasn’t called like he usually does, borrowing a phone card from some stranger he’s drinking with. Or maybe their phone has been turned off. How long has it been since they last paid all of their bills? And yet, Yukio is probably spending the last of his— their money on partying.

God, couldn’t he even wait so they could make it a celebration of their debut?

He should stop caring about what Yukio does or doesn’t do. It’s none of his business, Reni sighs as he turns the doorknob one last time for good measure. He has always been like this, he recalls while turning off the lights.

Once he had gotten used to its shine, it’s hard to go back to dead silence.

* * *

(I don’t even want you to be mine,)

* * *

For all his useless musing, he deals well with Yukio seriously dating someone else. Despite his constant self-indulging, Reni never fell out of touch from reality, and he had been aware all along that his friend would, someday, show interest in someone other than him, in ways other than platonic. 

She’s a girl from Kasumi’s college, and they met through a mixer. She isn’t interested in theater, to Yukio’s demise, but she’s polite, good-looking, and a skilled cook. Reni has seen her in the audience seats a couple of times, but they never had the chance to exchange words. In any case, from what he hears backstage, it sounds like Yukio is in good hands — Reni hopes he’ll take good care of her.

Likewise, he wants him to be happy and loved, and hopes she’ll be able to give that to him. Someone has to fulfill that role. 

* * *

(, but some attention once in a while wouldn’t hurt.)

* * *

They’re piss poor drunk. Wasted, going-to-have-a-terrible-hangover drunk. Reni never has had that much beer before — to be fair, they’re still 19, they weren’t supposed to be smashing themselves on cheap drinks —and if he still knows himself that well, tonight is going to be a long-standing record. 

Or not, if Yukio keeps treating him like that. In his hazy stupor, brain melting into foam, he concedes — a mindsplitting hangover is a fair price for this experience. For how he lies down on Reni’s lap, droopy eyes somehow adorable. For how he hangs on to Reni’s arm, clinging for his dear life when he threatens to throw all the beer away. For how he comfortably settles himself between Reni’s legs, and how his hands are all over his face. 

For how he playfully kisses Reni on the cheek and says it doesn’t matter because they’re not going to remember that when morning comes.

It is only months later, when he does the math, that Reni realizes _why_ Yukio invited him to drink together that night, and then he proceeds to break his previous record.

* * *

(I have my secrets, my plans — and I won’t open up to anyone but you.)

* * *

When did this dream start?, he wonders.

That thought is more performative than anything else. Of course Reni still remembers the afternoons spent in empty classrooms, despite the years bridging then and now. While he couldn’t ever expect the developments caused by that fated meeting when he was 16, he can’t quite say he expected this either.

GOD-za isn’t a bad name, he nods. It fits right in with himself, and it has the exact amount of irony that should stem from a troupe being born from a fallout with a devil. It has the sound of a second chance, a new start for a new Reni Kamikizaka, who won’t let his feelings get in the way of work; nor will he act like the foolish teenager he once was. 

The new Reni’s only priority will be nothing else than himself, and that’s how he’s going to carry himself from now on. No petty discussions, no unnecessary thoughts.

This character fits him to a T. 

* * *

(When you love someone, of course you will care about them. You might say that you love me, but I know that’s just lip-service...)

* * *

They still keep in touch, to a degree. Yukio showed up to GOD-za’s first play, Reni calls some of the old Mankai actors once in a while, to catch up. He visits the Tachibana household once — an experience he doesn’t ever want to go through again — and in fact, he finds out that working in different places is the best and worst thing that could have happened to their relationship.

Their fights have been scaled down to practiced banter, and the “agree to disagree” rule has found its place between them again, but there isn’t much to discuss, to begin with. It’s a weird situation they’re in, honestly. Reni is well aware they’ll never be able to go back to how they were in their teens, when they lived together and he still allowed himself to dream of a future along with Yukio. Yet, everything in how they skirt around each other now feels painfully fake, almost forced, and that’s as unpleasant as his last days in Mankai Company.

Yukio says that’s natural, they’re adults now, after all; some things are bound to change. His respect and admiration for Reni are unaffected, though, or something along these lines.

Reni hated reading scripts that heavily relied on parallelism to enhance their storytelling, but sometimes life imitates art. He doesn’t buy it. 

He doesn’t buy any of Yukio’s out of character courtesy and refuses to do so.

* * *

(Where are you now?)

* * *

The morning after. 

Reni wakes up before his senses follow suit, and everything is silent for a good minute. He waits for the sounds of cooking, the fizzling of oil, the smell of almost-burnt toast. The feeling of mornings like those when they were 18.

It never comes, and that’s when he shoots his eyes open, trigger pulling him upwards in bed.

There are no signs of Yukio in his house. No futon, no dishes to do, no shoes at the entrance. No notes signed, not even that awful-looking plush. It’s as if he vanished into thin air, Reni sighs.

Which, to be fair, was a very Yukio thing to happen.

That eerie feeling doesn’t return until the fourth afternoon, when it decides to sit at the back of Reni’s mind in every waking moment he has, for a full seven days. That’s when Yukio’s wife, the last one in line to question his whereabouts, calls him, and she confirms what he’s been thinking since his teenage years — he’s a fool.

Yukio has always been like this.

He might as well have gone to hell if no one can catch hold of him. It’s not like he cares anymore.

And that is the last time he allows himself to be deluded by his own thoughts.

* * *

(Where are you now?)

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. yes i know that yukio and reni probably got in a timeloop with the doll thing. yes i am making this canon divergence. there is no timeloop yukio just fucking vanishes  
> 2\. this didn’t fit into the fic, since it is reni pov, but i’d like to make it clear that no, yukio wasn’t out drinking on the night before mankai’s debut. he just spent his hours wandering around, on last trains and empty parks, observing life and all that jazz  
> 3\. not related to the story but [twitter](https://twitter.com/wingsaloof)


End file.
